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Glesga Goldilocks

from David A Morning
As Provided to The Capital Scot

Background:

Well, there I was in my local hostelree, considering the Glaswegian dialect accompanied by a wee swahhley of Irelands finest brew, when I got thinking of fairy tales. So I came up with this for a bit of fun. You'll all know a version of this story.

Not 100% Glaswegian since my own dialect has more than a smattering of Paisley/Ayrshire, but given Glasgow's history of various population influxes from numerous parts what is 100% Glaswegian? Pretty close though.

^t is the dreaded Glasgow glottal stop. I think I got them all but I'm sure you'll all spot any I've missed.

Not all 't''s have a glottal stop on them. Anyone got any vague clues to guidelines? Best I can work out is that words which require emphasis miss them out.

Flames, suggestions I quit writing, accusations of plagerism and downright abuse to David A Morning.

Cross-posted for a serious panning by the critics and possibly some improvements on some of the spellings..namely yazed (rhymes with dazed) and purridj.

- Dave

Glesga Goldilocks

from David A Morning

Wance, there wiz three bears, Maw, Paw an' the wean.

Wan mornin', Maw made some purridj bu^t i^t wiz bilin' so they went fur a donner in the wids.

Goldilocks stoati^t' in tae the hoose fur a dekko an' saw the purridj.

"That's the geme" she sade, "Ah'll huv some o' tha^t"

Bu^t the furst wan wiz too sal^ty an' the second wan wiz too sugary bu^t the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she hud the sugary wan, efter a' she's fae Glesga, an wi've goa^t the wurst die^t in the wurld.

Efter tha^t, she saw sum chairs.

"Crackin'" she sade, "Ah need tae rest mah bunions"

Bu^t the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft bu^t the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she sa^t oan the second wan, efter a' she's fae Glesga' an' wi've goa^t the wurst exercise an' postchir record in the wurld.

Then she went upstairs an' saw sum beds.

"Ah'm knackered" she sade. "Ah think ah'll huv a kip".

Bu^t the furst wan wiz too hard an' the second wiz too saft bu^t the thurd wan wiz jist so, so she switched oan the telly, lay doon oan the second wan, li^t a fag an' burnt the hooss tae the grun, efter a', she's fae Glesga an' wu'r the wurlds wurst fur smokin' (in the pi^t tae!).

A wee while la^ter, the bears came back.

"Goad!" sade the faither. "Sum bugger's gawn an burn^t wur hoos doon".

So they a' ran intae whit wiz left o' the hooss an' ran upstairs. They fun Goldilocks lyin' oan the bed burn^t as black a toast.

"Ya stupi^t wee besom!" sade Maw. "Ye come here every week knickin' wur purridj an' brekin' wur chairs. Bu^t no' happy we that, this time ye knick ma fags an' burn the hooss tae the grun. Get tae buggery oo^t o' here before ah skelp yer erse!"

So Goldilocks jumped oot o' the bed an ran away as fast as hur burn^t legs wid go.

She goa^t be^ter later oan, gave up fags, went oan a die^t, (wan o' they F-plan things), grew her hair dead long an' starti^t singing songs aboot some pun^ter called Rumplestiltskin.

The bears buil^t thir hooss agane bu^t this time they yazed brick an' inviti^t three pigs tae stai wae them tae. Bu^t they always wir a bi^t doolally them bears. Ah mean, who ever heard o' bears livin' in a hooss an eatin' purridj eh?

The End

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